Age; 28
Nickname; the gurner
years with club; 6
fav moment for club; scoring a thunderbolt against sharrow
worst moment for club; having to play in those blue jumpers
facts about player; abbey collects bufferflies, his collection is one to behold
 

Age; 27
Nickname; steptoe
years with club; 5
fav moment for club; scoring the winner at turf tavern 2006/7 season
least fav moment; every time i try to control the ball. its like trying to force two magnets together
facts about player; he used to be mosboroughs nutter but has lost his crown through turning into a boring roy cropper type figure.  aid was recently arrested for tampering with a badger but he doesn't like to talk about it.

Age; seven and a bit
Nickname; 5-a-side-tache
Years at club; 2
fav moment for club; i picked the ball up deep inside my own half, i looked up to see who to pass to but shaun niks and chip were making daisey chains so i strode on skipping around challenge after challenge, once i saw the whites of the keepers eyes i drilled a 35 yarder into the top corner, a better goal you won't see, honest
least fav moment; all the lads saying that my tache looks like i'm just mucky
facts about player; he trains in a stone island coat (what the f**ks that all about) and a hat. once got caught sniffing the landlady from the queens knickers as she hung them on the line to dry

Age; 26
Nickname; one-ball
Years at club; 3
fav moment for club; anyone of my 57 goals so far
worst moment; my misses against bradway, i was told after that david blunkett would have scored two of them
facts about player; danny is fond of having a nack-sack n crack job, he likes his balls none hairy and smooth to the touch

Age; 12
Nickname; torrez
Years at club; 1
fav moment; playing alongside nigel, he makes me feel good when he touches and strokes me all the time
worst moment; gook trapping me in the showers, i'll never be the same again.
facts about player; karl loves a drink, three ribena's and he's anybody's

Age 25
Nickname; chunks
Years at club; 1
fav moment for club; training in my stunt pants
least fav moment; having my stunt pants ripped off at training
facts about player; chunks used to top the scales at 26 stone, he was
advised by his doctor that if he carried on renting himself out as a kids
bouncy castle then his health would suffer, hence the 16 stone, lean mean fighting machine that exists today

Age; 27
Nickname; desmond, turbo, dessy, densil, racoon, scapegoat plus many others
Years at club; 4
fav moment for club; showering with the big lads.
least fav moment; being the scapegoat
facts about player; dale thrives on elderberry juice and lives in a tree
hollow deep in deepest darkest eckington
 

Age; 28
Nickname; deano, or minge fringe
Years at club; 2
fav moment for club; signing
least fav moment; see above
facts about player; deano models his forehead for spanking suzi naughty
bits, she is a latex life like sex doll who deano has now fell in love with
 

Age; 28
Nickname; midsy
Years at club; 28
fav moment for club; too many to mention
least fav moment; too many to mention
facts about player; midsy has recently become a father for the first time,
he actually realised that if he took off his rubber suit and gimp mask
that sex could lead to fatherhood.
 

Age; 27
Nickname; half man half biscuit, or dicko for short
Years at club; 3
fav moment for club; having a cartoon in our programme named after me
least fav moment; the above programme completely taking the piss out of
me
facts about player; dicko has a good side and a bad side all in the same
body, when he's good he's very very good and when he's bad he's horrid